Taught by Mrs. Talley, the football coache's wife, Relationships class has just had its third session two days ago (and I just got done with the reading about half an hour ago. . .at 1:30). I'm supposed to do an RR (reading review), but I'm not yet connected to the course on our Moodle site, so that isn't happening. But, I did do all the workbook activities in the text (a book titled Relationships by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott; great book so far!), and am doing a short response of the book and these workshops here. If you don't know me and don't want to know me, you can stop reading now, because things will get personal. Be also warned, while I pull much from the text, I am also writing my own opinions, thoughts and views into this blog. It may seem obvious that I'd do such a thing; the warning is that I won't necessarily warn you when I'm doing it. If you want to know the author's opinions minus mine, read the book.
Chapter one is titled The Compulsion for Completion, and it deals with everyone's quest for wholeness and how many try to find it in other people. Simply put, this is not good. A statement that I feel like has been repeated in this book (we read the last chapter first, actually, and read the intro with this chapter) is that many people believe that "If I find the right person, my life will be complete." The first time I read it, I definitely related. It's not a new statement to me, but one that I've struggled with even though I know it's false. I took the time to write down a revised statement to replace my belief in a false one, and may post it somewhere in my room. It reads, "If I find the right person, my life will not be complete unless it is." While we are certainly made with a desire for companionship, we will feel no more complete in gaining a companion than we did the day before, because a companion is another person.
Another thing mentioned in the text is that there are two lies that many people believe. The first is "I need this person to be complete," and the second is "If this person needs me I'll be complete." Again, while we do need people in our lives, we need to learn to not feel need for specific people. Again, depending on another to feel complete is folly, and depending on another person needing you is selfish hedonism. On some cases, a want for control. At the very least, a want for the power to hurt but not be hurt. By the way, in my own personal experience, I have found myself falling for the second lie most often, and this will change. I'm going to go back to reminding myself regularly, "I don't need anyone, and no one needs me." The statement sounds arrogant at first, maybe self-depreciating, but if brought into the right context of meaning I don't need a specific person, and that I and others are made competent, complete people, it is neither.
Another thought that struck me was, Why can't I seem to shake these lies? It's not like this is the first time I've heard them or recognized them in my own life, but the elusive solution to me feeling whole still evaded me. It was then that I realized something; "the past is the past."
Let me explain. I knew that shame was keeping me from "feeling better," for lack of a better term, but I didn't know how to rid myself of it. But the answer is as simple as saying what I put into quotes just up above. Yes, I have been awkward in relationships. Yes, I've been needy, felt the need to be needed, and fallen into nearly every other manner of lie and relationship trap that this book outlines, but that doesn't mean that's who I will be today or tomorrow. Many of us can feel stuck in repeating our shames, and it can be for many reasons. The first is likely that shame drains your emotional energy to even combat it, but it can also be that you know that others have memory. Maybe there are those around you who you've hurt or been hurt by. Maybe those who you've made to feel awkward around you (to put it into kind terms). This is similar to my own situation. We know those people have memories, and we believe it will be impossible to change them. And, since that's who they think we are, it must be who we are; we are a people who look to others to define us. But, we fail to remember memories fade. If we cease to give someone the reason to believe that we are "awkward," they will likely stop thinking of us like that. It will take time, and patience, but patience and an ability to put off temporary pleasure for greater gain are aspects that this book later details as part of the process of becoming a whole self anyway. There is no magical solution to feeling more complete, it will take effort and time, and I am right there with everyone else who needs to put forth this effort and time.
Another thing this book mentions confronting is past pains that affect your relationships today. Many of us remember strange things, but don't quite draw the connection that maybe we remember them because they affect us. I have my share of past pains (the text specifically asks for a list of times I'd felt abandoned), and I'd love to discuss them, but I'd love even more to get to bed at this point (2:47 am) and my roommate is pacing (he has graciously consented to wait for me to finish this blog before we both go back to our room and bed; we were doing late-night homework together). So, my example will be a simple one; still personal, but not extremely. I still remember a time when I was really young and I and my parents went to Dahl's for some grocery shopping. At the checkout, I saw something I wanted (probably candy), and when my parents refused me my request, I threw a tantrum and refused to leave until they got it for me. Rather than consent to my request, my parents said that I could go ahead and stay there, and they'd go home. Not believing that my own parents would do this, I followed them out into the lot and stopped on the sidewalk in front of the store, watching as they walked out into the lot and out of view. By this time, I was getting nervous, and as soon as I saw their car pulling past me and out of the perking lot, I ran out to the car and pounded on the windows to be let inside. By that time, I fully believed that my parents were going to leave me and was terrified. So much so that to this day, somehow I still can feel the memory of this fear, and still wonder in the back of my mind if they would have left me (even though my logical mind reasons that they wouldn't have, or at the very least would have come back shortly). The fact that I remember this (and remember it vividly) out of all the memories of my childhood that I don't remember tells me that it probably affects me, and to some degree influences how I interact with and view others. (This story was by no means a complaint about my parents or a criticism of them; they are both very loving towards me and would never, ever hurt me intentionally. It does show, however, how even those who love you dearly can hurt you in a way that seems unloving, and another reason you won't be completed by another person.)
Well, it's definitely time for me to get to bed. Shalom.
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